Warning this blog will contain spoilers so if you haven't seen the film and intend on seeing it (which i advise not to) then click away. Here is The Shark Review:
The movie opens with Bruce Wayne dreaming about his parents getting shot in front of him as a child. He falls into a hole where bats appear to attack him but instead swarm around him lifting him out of the cave. After the first of many Bruce Wayne dreams we are taken right into chaos as the city is getting destroyed left and right by weird ass space ships. Bruce Wayne looks up and sees Superman fly thru a building. Little did Superman know that the building he destroyed belonged to billionaire Bruce Wayne. Ohhh Bruce is fucking pissed now. This makes Bruce Wayne hate Superman. You have to understand that it's only cool for Batman to destroy private property.
Bruce Wayne has another dream about his dead parents where we see blood pouring out of his mothers tomb. Suddenly some demon looking creature breaks through the stoned tomb and jumps at Bruce. After thinking the theater accidently cut a preview of The Conjuring 2 into BVS, we see Bruce wake up and learn that he isn't alone in hating Superman and that the government isn't fond of the easily recognizable super human. Lex Luthor comes into the picture for the first time. Luthor is a very successful and wealthy scientist with a multi-million dollar company called LexCorp. We all know he doesn't like Superman because he's the famous villain from those boring ass series but it's never explained in this movie what his beef with Superman is. If anything he owes Superman a huge thank you for destroying so many buildings in Metropolis. Luthor had mentioned he has construction projects from Superman's demolition.
Lex Luthor tries setting up Superman at a Congress Superman meeting where he blows the building up with the Senator inside. Nobody seemed to care too much for the passing of Senator Finch. Luthor then becomes obsessed with the idea of having Batman and Superman fight because Batman stole his Kryptonite that Lex somehow gained possession of from the bottom of the fucking Indian River. Luthor then jumps into some raw sewage toilet water to create a monster called Doomsday. Why did Lex want Batman and Superman to fight when he was just going to create Doomsday? I don't know.
Now get this.... Batman has another dream! This dream takes Batman into some Baghdad looking setting where Batman kills multiple people with his fists and with some kind of semi-automatic gun. Batman eventually gets taken down where these people wait for Superman to drop in. Superman arrives, rips off Batman's mask and then punches a hole in Batmans chest . Batman wakes up in horror but sees some random guy screaming at him while getting electrocuted. This man appears to be The Flash. The audience becomes confused when he talks about something that has nothing to do with the movie until he eventually says Louis Lane's name to make it seem like his cameo was relevant.
Bruce Wayne gets invited to Lex Luthors party and attends because he wants to steal something from Luthor that will allow him to access his computer files. Bruce Wayne meets Clark Kent where he gets offended by Kent's criticism to the Bat vigilante. After that, Bruce successfully gets some successful chip transfer to access the Luthor files, and then gets his car stolen by a lady who will eventually become known as Wonder Woman. Bruce Wayne opens up Luthor's files and we see director Snyder's cute way of advertising other movies with their respective super hero logos. Bruce Wayne then learns that the bitch who stole his car fought in like World War 1 and she hasn't aged a minute so he knows something is up with this chick.
We go back to Superman who is depressed after the Congress explosion made people have negative reactions to him. He flies off to some Alaska looking snow-covered place where he dreams seeing his dad picking up and throwing bricks in the middle of no where. Kevin Costner tells us some extremely boring story and if I could of cut any part out from the movie it would be Superman's vision of his dead father. Easy money for Costner though.
Finally we come to the point where Batman and Superman actually sqaure off. Lex Luthor kidnapped Superman's mommy and the only way she will survive is if Superman kills Batman. The two alpha males go at it and Batman finally gets Superman down after shooting him with a bazooka filled with Kryptonie. Batman then has a spear of Kryptonite that he is ready to slam through the heart of Superman until Superman mutters in pain "Maaaaaaartha." Batman becomes enraged. "Why did you say that name?" yells the Bat. In comes Louis Lane who can get a chopper and pilot at will from The Daily Planet who covers over Superman and tells Batman that Martha is his mothers name. Batman realizes that his mom and Superman's mom have the same name and now he no longer hates the guy who he's been plotting to kill all movie long. THAT'S HOW THE FUCK THEY NO LONGER HATE EACH OTHER!!!!!! If this movie had any credibility before that battle, it lost everything right there and then. If only Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza's mothers had the same last name. Fucking terrible.
Now the 2 Super hero's put everything past them and realize Lex Luthor is behind some evil shit. Superman shows up to Luther without a dead Batman and Lex unleashes his monster Doomsday onto the city. Lex Luthor created a monster that he has no control over instead of just shooting Superman with a rocket of Kryptonite. Doomsday starts fucking the city up and everybody is trying to figure out how to kill this monster. Superman flies Doomsday out to fucking Pluto and they both land on the earth ok. Batman is about to be smoked by some kind of laser from Doomsday's eyes until Wonder Woman appeared blocking it with her 12 inch shield. Anyone who clapped for this part in the theater I hope gets Aids quick. We all knew it was coming from the preview.
The Justice League is now formed as 3 super heros are now taking on Doomsday and they came to the conclusion that the only way to kill this thing is to hit it with Kryptonite. Batman shoots Doomsday with a small shot of Kryptonite but it wasn't enough. Louis Lane tried to retrieve the spear of Krytponite that Batman tried to murder Superman with. The spear is set deep in the bottom of some warehouse puddle that became a river. The Building breaks from the 4 people fighting and Louis Lane becomes trapped under the water with the spear until Superman rescues her of course.
Now that the spear has been retrieved. Superman sacrifices himself by flying into Doomsday with his one and only weakness, the Kryptonite. All he had to do was have Batman or Wonder Woman do it, but instead he did it himself. We then get taken to Luthor's mop top getting shaved and then we see Bruce Wayne and Wonder Woman at Superman's funeral. Batman says he failed Superman who hated for 2 hours and 15 minutes of the film and liked for the other 15 minutes. The movie cuts back to Lex Luther repeating the sounds of a bell over and over again and then we see dirt that Louis Lane dropped on Superman's grave rise into the air and the long and dreadful movie comes to an end.
I give this movie a 4 out of 10. That's a generous 4. The bad reviews are right. If you saw this movie, let me know your thoughts. If you don't think this movie sucked. You are wrong.
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